A little higher please- thank you. Oh, sorry, didn’t see you there! Hold on one second- Can we get a sound check? Bass. Guitar. ...A little less angst please? Thank you. Floor tom. Floor tom. Floor tom. Floor tom! ...Thank you. Welcome to Not a Comedy Band, written by me, directed by me, produced by me, cinematography by me, reviewed by me, featuring puppets. For our show tonight, you can expect: quality. As for you- guitarist- bassist- the other one- don’t screw this up, you puny primitive puppets- remember- I created you, so I can destroy you. ONE-TWO-THREE-FOUR-

A smile is a window to my soul I wanna see you laugh, I wanna have control Your claps, your laughs, they’re half of my whole The smile on my face is a lie through my teeth Jokes I tell remind me that I breathe They are clever little quips to get me over the sad stuff I see A setup is the rant of my brother A punchline is the tears of my mother Several chuckles are passing family members one after another Call me out, yell at me My sanity is well done It’s a high we all inject We are all looking for a little bit of FUN! REAL FUN! FUN FUN FUN! A smile is a window to the soul I wanna see you laugh, I wanna have control Your claps, your laughs, they’re half of my whole I just got back from therapy, I didn’t even laugh, how could this be a remedy? Do you guys mind if I come here and yell at you every Tuesday at three? I’m here to put on an act You watch my puppet, I watch you react If you don’t laugh at ventriloquism, you got a stick up your ass I’m sweating so laugh at me I’m shaking so laugh at me I’m crying so laugh at me I’m dying so laugh at me It’s FUN! REAL FUN! FUN FUN FUN! This is gonna be real real fun I want this to be real real fun I need this to be real real fun Please let this be, please let this be- REAL!

Oh shit waddup it's DJ Darren, we're gonna do the Boogie Wiggle Slide, aka the Exhibit Personal Freedom, aka the Animal Farm, aka the Foghorn Leghorn, aka the Total Fascist Takeover- why don't you forget that last one. Now it's rhyme time in the Limelight, and we're gonna fly sky high, electrify the bad guy, say bye bye to your neighborhood spy, and- hey, what's the next one on rhymezone? (OCTOPI!) OCTOPI? What am I supposed to do with octopi? And it's octopussies, you dipshit! Don't you know any grammar? (WE CAN’T READ!) Shut up now, Daddy’s talking. Hands in the air Keep them high Booty to the left Booty to the right Clap your hands Stomp your feet Take a deep breath And SCREAM! Make a friend Say hello Ask their favorite color Back away slowly! Awkwardly now! Awkwardly now! Awkwardly now! Awkwardly now! Everybody now- It's time to get down- Everybody do- EXHIBIT PERSONAL FREEDOM [This is your floor This is your time It's the Boogie Wiggle Slide] Hands in your pants Do the chicken dance Flap to the left Flap to the right Stomp your hands Clap your feet Go to the butcher And beat your meat Gather the cows! Gather the pigs! Gather the scapegoats! Take it back now y'all Charlie Brown Woodstock Roadrunner Chicken, y'know, from the Cartoon Network show Cow and Chicken- Everybody now- It's time to get down- Everybody do- FOGHORN LEGHORN! [This is your floor This is your time It's the Boogie Wiggle Slide] You been doin' you Now it's time to do me Take the extra step Take it towards me Do the Re-Education! Forget what you know! Do the learn the truth! Together I'll grow ! Don the uniform! March to attack! Shun the resistance! You bird brained quacks! AND SCREAM! AND SCREAM! AND SCREAM! AND SCREAM! No one can hear you! You sacrificed your personal freedoms for convenience, but now it's too late! The world's mine! FREEZE IT’S THE TOTAL FASCIST TAKEOVER! [This is his floor This is his time It's the Boogie Wiggle Slide] Listen to me, your god-king! [This is his war This is his reich It’s the Boogie Wiggle Slide] You just make this too dang easy! [You cannot run You cannot hide It’s the Boogie Wiggle Slide He is the sun He cannot die It’s the Boogie Wiggle Slide] This is your fault!

I just stubbed my toe Really really hurt, but it’s not that bad I showed up late for work But life just happens, it’s not that bad My tire just blew out Cost a hundred dollars, but it’s not that bad Another check just bounced Economy’s in shambles but it’s not that bad Not that bad, not that bad I got in my car to drive to work But then it exploded, but it’s not that bad I laid in my bed to go to sleep But then it exploded, but it’s not that bad Microwaved a hot pocket Radiation gave me cancer, but it’s not that bad Life is one absurd joke Death is just a punchline, so it’s not that bad Not that bad, not that bad My small rock floats in a huge void Existence may be pointless, but it’s not that bad Smaller rock may hit my small rock Everything could die, but it’s not that bad Swirling void devours the stars My universe imploding is not that bad Now it’s growing cold and dark The heat death is the end, but it’s not that bad Not that bad, not that bad Grandpa fell down again Probably broke some bones but it’s not that bad I was late for work again I just lost my job, but it’s not that bad Tried to kill myself in July But in the end, it’s not that bad Scared that I’ll try again That could be the end, but it’s not that bad Not that bad, not that bad

Haha- sorry bout that folks- isn't supposed to get all- *angsty* with you- that's not supposed to be 'til act six- excuse me- No more breaking character, humans! Remember- we have a contract. You may have signed it even though you can’t read, but it’s legally binding nonetheless. Now stick to your lines!

Three good friends walk into a bar They drink together alone I’m going through (You’re going through) A lot right now (A lot right now) But so are you (But who am I) I know (To know?) But I hesitate (But I hesitate) Knocks on the door (To knock on the door) So I’ll just wait (So I’ll just wait) For yours (For yours) My mind screams that I need someone to talk to (My mind screams that you need to be alone) You don’t want to bother me and I don’t want to bother you So we’ll bridge this distance with a joke I’m going through (You’re going through) A lot right now (A lot right now) What do I do (But I’ll help you through) And how? (Somehow) But what if you (But what if you) Don’t want to? (Don’t want me to?) I don’t want to (What do I do?) Bring you down (And how?) My mind screams that I need someone to talk to (My mind screams that you need to be alone) You don’t want to bother me and I don’t want to bother you So we’ll bridge this distance with a joke I just want to see you I just want for you to see me too (I just want to see you I just want for you to see me too) I just want to see you I just want for you to see me too I just want to see you I just want for you to see me too I already miss you But I freeze up and I don’t know what to do I already miss you But I freeze up and I don’t know what to do

I spent all night trying to think of a joke, But I couldn’t think of anything and I just stopped thinking at all, I woke got to my car and drove to work, Where I stared at computer screen for the next 8 hours, Spending that time in my head trying to think of something funny to send, Because the thought of laughing will always make me smile, And with selfish views I continue to abuse my head, Just trying to think of one single joke, I keep trying to build a structure on this failure, Then I just collapsed and ask how your day is going, You say thanks i need a chance to complain, about the pain 40 hours of my life brings to me, We talk about dreams we were promised, and the sharp realities that actually came to be, Or how I wished my father could retire, After spending 30 years inside a factory, After countless surgeries and years spent deprived, We all know the gamble of the blue collar 65, But here we are just 2 cogs twisting and turning, Helping a world we hate go around and around, A world meant to leave us smacked, cracked and broke, But hey I think I finally thought of that joke… So, uh I spent all night thinking of ways to change the world, But I couldn’t think of anything until I stopped thinking at all, Then I woke up got to my car and drove to work, Where I stared at computer screens for the next 8 hours, Spending that time in my head, focused on this nihilistic rage, That comes from being stuck in a place that I hate, I feel selfish for wishing myself away, Knowing someone else would have to step up to the plate, And I just keep trying to build a structure on this failure, But when I collapse you ask how my day is going, I say thanks I need a chance to complain, About the pain 40 hours of my life bring to me, We talk about dreams we were promised, and the sharp realities that actually came to be, Or how I don’t think we’ll ever retire, No matter how long we’re in front of these computer screens, After countless hours and years spent behind, I now know fulfillment is something a cubicle can’t find But here we are just 2 cogs twisting and turning, Helping a world we hate go around and around, We talk about everything we despise in our life, And it all comes back to one single thing WE’RE TIRED OF BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF, BY PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW OR CARE ABOUT US, WE’RE TIRED OF BEING TIRED OF OUR LIVES, JUST TO BE TOLD WE NEED TO STRIVE FOR SOMETHING MORE BY THE VERY PEOPLE WHO PUT IT OUT OF REACH! OH NOW THIS propaganda works its way into my soul, Makes me think we need all these things, All these things real people can’t afford, And the poison sits in front of my eyes I can’t look away, I can’t look away, You’re tired of seeing people fight, People who have the same plight, Stuck eating cyanide shit through feeding tubes they call fox news, Billionaires tell you your neighbor took your jobs and money well yes sir yes sir, Wake up, clock in, clock out, go to sleep, Wake up, clock in, clock out, go to sleep, Wake up, clock in, clock out, go to sleep, Wake up, clock in, clock out, go to sleep I put my head in your chest, you run your finger through my hair, You say we’ll get there slowly but surely, And I’m not sure if your right but at least for the night, I believe the words you said so warm yet firmly, I spent all day just thinking about you and with a smile on my face, I just stopped thinking at all

One good friend, he walks into a bar He asks the air how his friendships fell apart He searches for answers in his coke and his rum But the punchline never comes, it never comes No, the punchline never comes, it never comes The bartender asks “why the long face?” Our rum and coke friend won’t reply There’s a setup that he sees in these two empty seats But the punchline never comes until you die No, the punchline never comes until you die One good friend, he walks into a bar He tries to find why his life’s become so hard But his margarita’s harboring a trick to get him numb So the punchline never comes, it never comes No, the punchline never comes, it never comes The bartender asks “why the long face?” They drink to all that he’s lost There’s a setup in the distance from where his friend is sittin’ But the punchline never come without a cost But the punchline never comes without a cost One good friend, he walks into a bar Hard enough that it leaves a nasty scar He asks his lemonade why he’s feeling so dumb But the punchline never comes, it never comes No the punchline never comes, it never comes The bartender asks “why the long face?” Lemonade smiles and denies The setup is the bridge between what he says and what he means But the punchline always lies, it always lies Yeah, the punchline always lies, it always lies One young blonde is questioning her smarts The priest and the rabbi have forgotten their parts The noble gas, unsure how to react, twiddles its thumbs But the punchline never comes, it never comes No, the punchline never comes, it never comes The comedian’s a little racist in a room of rainbow faces Rum and Coke can’t help but slump The comedian says you’re sensitive, you don’t get the messages But the message never comes, it never comes No, the message never comes, it never comes “It’s no big deal,” he says, “I get this all the time” But finds his shoulders slouching the remainder of the night The honesty you thought you cried only brought one thing to light Your speech may be free, but it doesn’t make it right Your speech may be free, but it doesn’t make it right Two old friends sit by Rum and Coke’s side Three filled seats, just like old times They’ve already told all the jokes that they know But these punchlines are their own, they are their own Yeah these punchlines are their own, they are their own Did you hear the one about the stuffy ventriloquist? I heard he had a stick up his ass Did you hear the one about the pretentious actor? His iron so ironic, he was fake as plastic Did you hear the one about the fascist DJ? He turned the tables on the revolutions Did you hear the one about the distant friends? He never wanted to lose them We never wanted to lose them I just want to see you I just want for you to see me too (x a bunch) SO NOW WE’RE Three best friends playing music in a bar Sharing a song about how we got this far The blonde starts to jam ‘cause she heard she passed the bar exam The priest and the rabbi celebrate over a drink or nine The noble gas reacts with unabashed laughter I’ll be there to share a song and I’ll be there to sing along and When the setup hurts like hell We’ll write this punchline for ourselves! (x a bunch) One last call, they’re closing up the bar Tip your servers, they’re working really hard Thank you all for being here, we’re glad that you could come ‘Cause we for one had fun, it’s always fun We for one had fun, it’s always fun